AN ESPERANTO LESSON GONE HORRIBLY WRONG

NOTE TO READERS: Esperanto is a constructed language, invented in the
1870's, that was intended to be a universal second language, a
phenomenon which would break down communication barriers between
nations and lead to a more tolerant and peaceful world.

Although it never became what it was intended to be (and is even
considered a joke in some parts of the world), Esperanto does boast
about three million speakers globally and provides those speakers a
wonderful opportunity to correspond and visit with people all over
the world who speak different native langauges.

Esperanto is a mind-bendingly easy language to learn; linguists who
have studied Esperanto estimate it to be five times easier to learn
than Spanish, and TEN times easier to learn that English. It's so
simple, in fact, even Bono could learn it......

THE PLACE: The loft that Echo, Moaner, Boner and Wedgie share in New
York city.

THE TIME: Time for sweet, sweet lovin'.

*Echo and Bono are sitting at a table. Edge reclines on a nearby
couch and reads Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of the Universe."*

ECHO: Okay, for this lesson I'm going to say a phrase in Esperanto
and I want you to translate it into English.

BONO: Okay. That doesn't sound too difficult.

ECHO: Here's the first one: "Kion ni faros se la vespermango ne estas
preta?"

BONO: Em..."I would like to order a cup of coffee and a moofin."

ECHO: Not quite.

EDGE: *not looking up from book* "What will we do if the dinner isn't
ready?"

ECHO: Okay lets try another one: "Tiam li logis en la urbego kun lia
tri katoj."

BONO: Oh that's an easy one. "Please sir, you are standing on my
foot."

ECHO: *sigh*

EDGE: "At the time he lived in the city with his three cats."

BONO: How do YOU know Esperanto so well already?

EDGE: *turns page* I'm a super-genius.

BONO: I am so sick of your smug super-intelligence! You make me sick!
As the Esperantists say, "Mi kusos via delikataj areoj gis vi pulsas
kun deziro!"

ECHO: You, em, just told him you're going to kiss his tender areas
until he is throbbing with desire.

BONO: I did?

ECHO: Yes.

BONO: Are you sure I didn't say "Go straight to hell you flinty
egghead"?

ECHO: Pretty sure.

BONO: Crap. Well, I --- Good Lord, Edge, put your clothes back on!

EDGE: Hey, you've always been a man of your word.

BONO: Em...quick, how do you say "Where am I? Who are you? I must
have bumped my head" in Esperanto?

ECHO: *whispers into his ear*

BONO: Okay then. *to Edge* Via varmega korpo faras fremdaj sed ravaj
ajoj al mia generoj.

ECHO: *snicker*

EDGE: *advancing quickly and nakedly on Bono* Why Bono, I never knew
you felt that way.

BONO: Oh my god what did I just tell him?

ECHO: *stifling a laugh* "Your hot body does strange but delightful
things to my genitals."

MONA: *enters* Lunch time! Who wants a Hot Pocke-- OMD! What's going
on in here?....When I….OK I went in and, like, I saw Edge and Bono-- DOOD
wait -- we live in a LOFT? IN NEW YORK?! Saaa-wwweeeeetttt!!!!!!

OCCUPANT: *knocks on door* Are you kids finished painting my
apartment yet? You said you were just going to borrow my loft and--

MONA: FECK OFF ER ELSE WE'LL KICK YA DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT AGAIN,
YA-- heheh I said "shaft"

EDGE: Is the camera on?

MONA: They're ALL turned on. **** O….Echo, I think I found a title
fer our show…!!

********************************

MONA: Anyway…..when I came in and saw Edge trying to…y'know, get with
Bono, I was like "WHAAAT did I miss?" You know? I mean….Like I
understand that we're all friends and everything, but things like
that make me feel really uncomfortable.

ECHO: Whereas if it was Bono approaching Mona talking dirty in
foreign languages about his tenderloins, she'd be OK with it.

MONA: ….all I'm saying is that. I mean, we're HOUSEMATES. And--

ECHO: Key word -- "mate."

MONA: And--

BONO: Yoo hoo!! Girls, did you know I could fit my entire naked body
inside this ginormous fish tank? Come have a look. O! Let's play
sardines!! Get it?!

MONA: *rips mic off and runs*

**************************************

EDGE: I don't know what the big deal is. I'm perfectly comfortable
with my preference….what is it? Well….I mean first you have to take
it out, and it's pretty cold. I mean it's been hiding away all day
and when it finally comes out of the wrapping…..you know it needs
time to breathe and everything. But it'll warm up and everything
soon enough. It's really quite simple -- and you get quite good at
it after awhile. So after you take it out -- well make sure you wash
your hands first. And then grab it with both hands, and you start to
kind of massage it and--

MONA: Edge, why is Echo raping that wall?

EDGE: The interviewer asked me to give some cooking tips. I thought
hamburgers would be pretty easy to-- wait……

BONO: That's not going to be good for business.

*****************************************

*Meanwhile, back at the ranch*

EDGE: Em.....I know this probably looks a little strange...what with
me naked, holding a physics text, and trying to rape Bono and
everything.

MONA: Please tell me its not what it looks like.

EDGE: If I said that i'd be lying.

MONA: Well then please tell me I can take pictures.

ECHO: I'm WAAAAAAY ahead of you.

*CUT TO ECHO INTERVIEW*

ECHO: *to camera* Look, I'm an unemployed art college graduate. I
NEEDED the money. And so WHAT if I posted the naked pictures of Edge
to a pay-per-view web site? Mona, honey, get of the computer, I need
to check my e-mail.

MONA: Em...can I borrow some more money?

************************************

MONA: We all spend a lot of time on the intenet. Em...Me, for
example -- I have a fledgling playwright career rooted in
controversy. And on the side I write poems and songs. I...I hope to
be Bruce Springsteen one day. The other day at school we had career
day, and--

EDGE: We need another computer in this loft.

MONA: EEEECCHHHOOOO!!!! Edge just said that he wants to send you
personal porn of himself and--

EDGE: O I did not.

ECHO: Hey, is that the modem or are you just happy to--

MONA: O that doesn't even make-- WHOA Lookit the size of Bono's Power
Cord!!!

BONO: Just hookin' up.

MONA: *twitch*

BONO: We've had this computer for awhile. I was carrying it down the
street one day because once I met this woman who said she bet I typed
wonderfully with one hand and I was going off to show her, and on my
way there I met a fan and I asked her if SHE wanted to see my type
with one hand too, and she fainted and I dropped the computer. Then
I had to take it in to get it fixed and ON MY WAY there I thought
about Third World countries and how--

ECHO: Let's see YER power cord, Edge m'boy….

MONA: Em….so mainly I use the internet to spread--

BONO: O oops. I accidentally turned the mic off conveniently,
ironically, and raunchily after Mona said "spread"

MONA: To spread my literary works. And I download music a lot. It's
really just--

ECHO: And….

MONA: O! That's right. I like U2 porn, too. A LOT. And I mean A LOT.

BONO: *sweat* People write porn about us?

EDGE: *enters the room in a tiger-print loin cloth* *licks banana,
while gazing at Bono* Do you have a mirror in your pocket?

BONO: Why?

EDGE: 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.

MONA: But I mean -- well ppl think that porn is EVERYWHERE. It's
really not. You have to try really really hard to even find it by
accident.

BONO: *grunt* *Suggestive noises* Mm…Mm….

MONA: *falls over, knocking over ginormous fish tank* HOLY….

EDGE: Ak!!! Because of Mona and Bono, the whole floor is wet and
ruined.

ECHO: Bono, what are you doing?

BONO: Well…telephone jack. That's like….phone sex, right? I'm no
genius at setting up computers, but I know what `telephone jack'
means, OK? It's not rocket surgery, people.

************************************

*As is usual, when they've got nothing better to do, Echo and Mona
have their ears pressed up against the door of Bono's bedroom.*

BONO: Look at it. It's gone all limp.

EDGE: Well, maybe if you'd taken it out and played with it once in a
while it wouldn't have ended up like that!

BONO: But it liked it so much better when YOU played with it.

EDGE: Look, I'm very busy. I don't have time to sit there and fiddle
with it, especially when it belongs to you.

BONO: I just wanted to see it grow. Is that so wrong?

EDGE: Well they don't grow when you don't show them any affection!

BONO: Look at it. It's so soft and pink. It used to squirm around
like a little devil when you touched it just the slightest bit. Now,
the way it just lies there, it's so sad.

MONA: *barges in* What is going ON in here?

EDGE: Bono's hamster died.

ECHO: Aw, feck.

*******************************

*Echo and Mona encounter each other in the hallway in front of the
bathroom. The shower is running.*

ECHO: I thought YOU were gonna take a shower with him.

MONA: Well, I thought YOU were gonna take a shower with him!

ECHO: Well then, who's he in there wi--- OOOOO

*Echo drills hole in wall.*

MONA: Don't bother, I drilled one over here last week. *Takes picture
off wall to reveal a peephole....*

********************************

*Bono enters, bearing the FedEx box containing the 3-D chess set Edge
ordered on E-bay for him.*

BONO: Edge m'boy...I recieved one package from you yesterday. Tonight
I hope to recieve the other...larger one...

EDGE: *looks up from "Tetris" game* Huh?

BONO: And in return, Edge, I have a package for you. *stands and
delivers*

EDGE: A package? But the UPS guy hasnt even arrived yet.

BONO: No no. This isn't something you put through the slot.
ACTUALLY...

EDGE: *bending WAY over to look at mail slot* No no I think youre
right, this slot is far too small for your package

BONO: Well I dont know....I'm willing to accept --- I mean The UPS
guy is...most likely...willing to accept a challenge

EDGE: Did you pay extra for shipping and handling?

BONO: O yes...I ALWAYS Need extra attention for the handling. Okay
now Edge...Hypothetical situation: if you were a secretary recieving
this package for your boss...you might have to take notes about where
it's from and stuff like that. NOW then. Would you be ready to make
an oral presentation about this package?

*Later*

EDGE: So...has your package come yet?

BONO: Well ACTUALLY...